Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 850
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
I have a lot of friends who are getting married. I try to avoid talking to them about their sex lives now 'cause it's so depressing. One guy told me it had been six months since he had gotten to second base with his wife. Yeah, I don't know which one was more pathetic: that he used the phrase 'second base' or that he hadn't been there in six months?
[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!
I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.
I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.
If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
You might be a redneck if people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world.
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
Every now and then, I like to give out some advice. Ladies - don't laugh during the porno watching.
You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'
I'm sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I'm waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there's a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, 'Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.' I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.