Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 850

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

I'm glad 'bad ass' doesn't mean 'bad' 'ass.'

There should be some kind of dedication of a portion of the funds to Town Center.

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.