Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 850
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.
I actually wrote a speech. Normally I do bullet points and run-on sentences.
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big