Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 851
I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There's a guy - I don't know who he is, but he's wearing a suit. He's got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I'm just wondering why someone painted him.
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. [On Charlie Chaplin]
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
Everybody gives money and blankets and candy to septuplet families. You go on Oprah Winfrey. Oprah pays for all the kids to go to college. Oprah gives you a mini van. And that’s hypocritical. ‘Cause there’s plenty of women in this country with six kids. Granted they had them by five different men… Six kids, five different men, you ain’t on Oprah. You’re on Maury Povich for a paternity test.
You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.