Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 851
We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some - help! - curtains.'
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.
Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we’re done, my girl dismounts me like she’s getting off a dirty bicycle. And then she just leaves… she won’t even look at me. It’s like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.
You might be a redneck if there is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
I think maybe my four-year-old has come up with a new metaphor. We don’t want “everything out of life,” we want “everything and a kite”!
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
Once I realised the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.