Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 851
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.
When we were making out you kinda acted like it was nothing. Like you were doing it to prove you could do it or something.
Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that our just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.
I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.