Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 854

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

There are no "I's" in "we" but there are two "i's" in "Wii."

I was always the "Class Clown" and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Take my wife... Please!

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There's a guy - I don't know who he is, but he's wearing a suit. He's got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I'm just wondering why someone painted him.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.