Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 854
You might be a redneck if people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
We've heard they've had signs up about Cuero for the last three weeks, ... We're excited about playing this game but not to the point where we do not know what we're doing. We just have to go into the game with intensity and remain focused on our goal.
Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess.
I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some - help! - curtains.'
Everything we do we should look at in terms of millions of people who can't afford it.
I think maybe my four-year-old has come up with a new metaphor. We don’t want “everything out of life,” we want “everything and a kite”!
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set.
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.