Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 854

Try to live in a place you like.

You might be a redneck if you wear someone else's work shirt.

I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.

Writing is a very strenuous thing - it's like banging your head against a wall. At the end of the day, acting is better, just because nobody ever asked me if I wanted a Pellegrino in the writer's room.

You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.

My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.