Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 855

There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.

If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.

We want the same effect as if someone's house burned here. We want to give them a normal life as soon as possible.

This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."

Contrary to public opinion, I'm not negative, just realistic.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see "The Great Gatsby".

In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."

I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.