Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 855

When we were making out you kinda acted like it was nothing. Like you were doing it to prove you could do it or something.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

I love to talk about people I've met being an entertainer. All my encounters in life - I roll it all into an hour and 30 minutes.

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.

Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.

Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.