Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 855

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile.

We want the same effect as if someone's house burned here. We want to give them a normal life as soon as possible.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

The Marines was a fresh start - that is why they shave your head. I wish they would let you change your name.

There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?