Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 853
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?
You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.
I was dating a woman for a while. We had out first little sex talk. She actually said this to me. She said, “Todd, I’ve had anal sex before but don’t ask me who it was with.” I think if I made a list of every question I’d ask before that one, it would be a list of every question. Including “Who shot J.R.?”, “Where’s the beef?” and “Why would you think I’d want to know that?” OK, maybe not “Where’s the beef?” Because she might answer that one.