Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 853
We want the same effect as if someone's house burned here. We want to give them a normal life as soon as possible.
I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."
I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.
Remember that night you did that oriental cooch-cooch; the cops came and threw you in the can-can.
Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, “What does he need that for?”, and she says, “So he don’t got to bend his neck to eat!” I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he’s limber enough to eat! She said, “It helps his digestion!” I said, “His digestion’s just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning.”