Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 853
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."
What's with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That's it, just crazy people.
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.