Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 856
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.
Most Americans don't live their lives solely as Democrats or Republicans or conservatives or liberals. Most Americans live their lives that our just a little bit late for something they have to do. Often it’s something they do not want to do, but they do it. Impossible things get done every day that are only made possible by the little, reasonable compromises.
Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up.
The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.
She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.
Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.
I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up. She’s like, “I think I’m pregnant.” I was like, “The number you have reached…”
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”