Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 856
Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
Is it just me or is gas high?.. They ain’t been a drive-by for three weeks. You hear niggas going, “I can’t afford to kill that motherfucker! I can’t!”
It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.
See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.
On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.
I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'
My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.