Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 856
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
I don't think that the administration is being particularly honest with the American people about what this is going to cost in life and in dollars, what the dangers are, retaliatory strikes, once it happens. This is not a war that needs to happen immediately, if ever.
Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
President Bush's approval ratings have taken somewhat of a dive. A senior slump, if you will. Leading President Bush to one conclusion: He is the only one who realizes what a great job he's being doing.
I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
In my first year I was taught about the slide rule. They said, "The slide rule is important. Without it you can do nothing. The slide rule is the modern weapon of efficiency. With the slide rule you can get from here to the stars. Buy it, use it – your slide rule!" Within one year it was, "Burn the slide rule. The calculator can add up with none of this fucking sliding the shit around and working out where that bit in the middle goes. Smash it over your head."