Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 861
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'
Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice? " Never got a dinner!
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke... and then she died.
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?
Writing is a very strenuous thing - it's like banging your head against a wall. At the end of the day, acting is better, just because nobody ever asked me if I wanted a Pellegrino in the writer's room.
I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.
That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.