Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 862
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.
I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.
After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we’re done, my girl dismounts me like she’s getting off a dirty bicycle. And then she just leaves… she won’t even look at me. It’s like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"
I don’t care if you think I’m racist as long as you think I’m a thin racist.
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.'
Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.
I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.