Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 860
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.
I had sex recently. I took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it and goes, “Hey Todd, good choice.” Good choice. Now I didn’t expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty.
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
There have been two different drafts of the script. The hard part about following it up is at the end of the first one, he revealed his identity to his kids. How do you play that out? How does she come back? One of the ideas was that he'd go to New York because his daughter was going to college and he'd be nearby. But as a script, it never worked.
I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
I've become this sort of icon for the gay community. I don't like the position.