Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 860

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

Hey ringworm.

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I had sex in a bottle bank once because I care about the planet.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”

George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.

In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

My parents took a leave of absence moments after my birth.