Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 863

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

So I've learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you're very religious, then it's not 4500 million years old, it's 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

You have to take the basics of feminism and the kind of outline of it and do what you do with it. You have to make things work for your own life.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”

I live way below my means.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.