Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 863
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I don’t care if you think I’m racist as long as you think I’m a thin racist.
I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.
And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. "Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff." Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.
We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.
I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.
I don’t drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for.
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.