Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 877

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.

2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

To combat social awkwardness, I would just act like I couldn't be bothered - that kind of aloof persona or aloof demeanor. It's so off-putting.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

[After having made an abortion joke] I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... (mimicking child's voice:) 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...

True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.