Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 877

You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

We need porno for guys like me. $2.99, I don’t need the whole $12.99. Hell, I never get to the second scene. It’s always better. “Oh shit! I should of waited. She’s got bigger titties. Shit! There’s twins!”

Hey ringworm.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Yeah how bad can it be?<br /> Some people have it worse than me<br /> I could be a child prostitute<br /> Or Gary Glitter’s family

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess.

It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them.

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.