Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 878

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.

You might be a redneck if you watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

By the numbers, this was the worst way to have done it. He couldn't think straight. It was fight or flight - and he chose flight.