Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 878
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, "There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes."
I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.
In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.
I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.
I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.
My dad's like, "If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?"