Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 878

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

The only reason I'm able to do music is because I'm making money on 'Community.' If I wasn't, I couldn't pay for things.

I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some shit? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

I hate all sidekicks.

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun... Film at 11.

Steven Spielberg’s mother, who said to E.T., "I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed!" Never got a dinner!

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?