Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 886
Take that money and build something you can see... something for the children.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
Rappers when they get their awards they always credit God. “I’d like to thank Jesus Christ. Jehovah God Almighty. For my number one hit single. It’s called ‘Suck My Mama.’”
How dare anyone in the UK make fun of a democratically-elected leader when you have a fucking Queen?
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
Everybody thinks Italian guys are dumb. Cause we sound like Rocky when we talk. But we’re not dumb, we’re just a little slower. That’s why we always repeat the question. We’re just buying time. Like, “Correale, what did you do today?” “What did I do today?”
There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out.
Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech.
[welcoming people to Hell]<br /> The French, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the Germans, I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.
But I’ve often said that if I had - I have two dogs - if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.