Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 886
There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.
I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.
To combat social awkwardness, I would just act like I couldn't be bothered - that kind of aloof persona or aloof demeanor. It's so off-putting.
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
That guy who manages the vegetarian restaurant got a pretty severe haircut.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
The Apple Store in New York is like a big white glistening cathedral of twats. Before you even have your foot in the door, there is some wanktard in your face with a fringe. ‘Hey buddy, my name’s Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?’ I’m here to buy a phone, not make a friend, piss off!
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said, "This isn't a hump. I ate a canteloupe and it backed up on me." Never got a dinner!
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?