Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 887

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value.

You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

I don`t know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.

Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

Next Fall Dr. Drew has a new show coming out: Overdosing with the Stars.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!