Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 887
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'
Anyone you give a ton of money to is going to go slightly crazy. I don't think comedians are particularly special in that regard; they just are better or more vocal in their expressions of their craziness.
You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
One day, there will be a Latino president. It could be the mayor of San Antonio. And when he’s all crudo, he can send his brother out there.
I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.
I don't know why people think that somehow the First Amendment applies to network television. It doesn't. It's like the way free speech doesn't apply at work. You can't just walk into your boss' office and say 'you're a fuckface and I'm gonna go back to work now.' No, you're not.
I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.
I’m addicted to the Internet. I check into the hotel. Try to go online on my laptop. Doesn’t work. Call the front desk.