Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 887

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I'm always fucking childish, you knew that when you met me!

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.