Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 885

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that’s a lie promoted by the bears.

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

Ebony and Ivory. No more racism now. That one’s done.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

When sex is good theres nothing better, when its bad its not bad.