Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 885
That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey I know you! You're That Guy."
The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?”
I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.
I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
The disasters build a sort of odd Diacid feeling. When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, 'I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.'