Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 894

It's up to couples, to individuals, to have a trust between each other.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

My therapist thinks I'd be better off living in a dream-state.

We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.