Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 894
Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?
I was wondering if Circuit City could possibly make their receipts just a little bit longer.
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.
Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.
I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.
One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.