Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 895

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

Because when you say "shit", it makes them cry. "Why didn't he say 'poopie'? Why didn't he say 'poopie'?"

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

My friend has a weird relationship with his mother. She breast fed him until he was four. And since then he’s just taken it.

I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

All we really require is 1 drawer, that is all men want, 1 drawer, this is not a drawer we will pick out early. A drawer will become available, we will tentatively enquire as to it’s usage, “darling this drawer here, can I have this drawer for me?”..Yes I think you can…good this will be my man drawer!!

Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.