Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 895
Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American? Or those that advocate peace are anti-troops or pro-Saddam?
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don't know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.
I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.
[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?
Black men struggle with masculinity so much. The idea that we must always be strong really presses us all down - it keeps us from growing.
If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.