Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 90
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.
We weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid. The two cereals we were allowed to have were Cheerios and Kix. And Cheerios is, like, cardboard doo-doo. And Kix is kinda like the handjob of cereals… cause it’s like, "this is pretty good… but you know what I really want…"
I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.
Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fucking tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.
Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, "Stop needling me." Never got a dinner!
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”