Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 90

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There... take time out to pick up your teeth.'

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.