Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 90
She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.
The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.
You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.
I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.