Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 89

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn’t know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.

I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, "Stop needling me." Never got a dinner!

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.