Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 902

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

I just tied a string around my penis so I don't forget it.

If your gonna drop out of school - tough grades are not your goal - then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide due to the unjust cancellation of Firefly.

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

That's insanity. We must be good all the time.

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

I'm still enjoying the single life. Went down to Mardi Gras a couple years ago, that was fun. I went with a buddy of mine. There were some girls up in a balcony. A chant goes up: 'Show your tits.' I joined the chant because I support the cause. The girls show 'em, we threw up some beads -- I figured that's the end of the transaction. Turns out they reciprocate with a chant of their own: 'We want cock.' What do you do? Turns out, I had some cock on me -- unfasten, unbutton, unzip -- beads showering down on me. Best moment of my entire life -- cut short: handcuffed, thrown against the wall. My friend runs off, but manages to get a picture before he does. I don't know a lot about prison, but I do know, handcuffed, with your pants down, covered in beads, is not a good way to arrive.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.