Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 902
I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.
Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it's not going good, we change directions. If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do.
We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't.
I love the guys who say "I watch NASCAR for the racing." Yeah, and I watch porn for the acting. You liar!
After every horror we’re told, “Now the healing can begin.” No. There’s no healing – just a short pause before the next horror.
The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?
Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.