Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 94

Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don’t give you speech therapy; they don’t even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there’s a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.

I bought my parents some stuff. That feels kind of good to be able to do that. I got them a place in Florida. I think I'm allowed to say that - I hope my dad doesn't get mad at me. But I don't spend money on myself. I don't like myself enough yet. But the people I love, I like spending the cash on them.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

I've never heard of an Israeli going out as a suicide bombers to kill Palestinians. I never saw anybody offer more peace to the Palestinians. Palestinians, many of them that are our enemies, we still invite them to live in our own country, endangering our own lives to give them equal pay on equal jobs and health care benefits and all kinds of benefits. When an Arab is hurt, even trying to kill us, we give them the best hospitals, the best medical care. We make them partners in our own Parliament, and we're persecuting them? This is such a sick perversion. It's like saying the Jews persecuted Hitler.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth.

There ain't no party like my nana's tea party.

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.