Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 94
Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
When I was a kid, Dunkin' Donuts had two things: coffee and donuts, and that was it! You took the donut, dunked it in the coffee, thus the fucking title of the place!
I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's - I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.