Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 94
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"
Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.
I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.
I don’t do up. Sit-ups. Push-ups. Pull-ups. I do downs. Sit down. Lay down. Blackjack, I’ll double down. Give me a cheeseburger, I’ll wolf it down. Put on a little music, I’ll boogie down.
I was having lunch with my friend. I said, 'Hey, what's your middle name.' He said, 'I have two middle names.' I said, 'Then you have no middle names. You have a space.'
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!
It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.