Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951

Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

If we did a reunion show we should do it now and show it in 10 years just so everybody still looks good.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

Oh, something’s *always* wrong, Balders… the fact that I’m not a millionaire aristocrat, with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino, is a constant niggle.

My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Well, aren't you a saucy sack of estrogen?

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.