Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951
My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.
I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock
I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?
It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.
Gay comics have actually gotten popular. Which I think is great. Somebody called be up from Tulsa, Oklahoma and they said “We’re putting a comedy show together and we called you because we need a strong lesbian.” <br /> “You want me to tell jokes or move stuff?”
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.