Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 951

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

We are just happy that we are here in Brazil and that this was a good ending.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

This job has explained to me who I am - I'm not kidding. I always knew I was an actor, but kind of not. I always knew I was a writer, but kind of not. I knew was a producer, but kind of not. It's really a peculiar confluence of skills and experiences that put you in the right position to do this job. But I know now what I am. I'm this. Whatever this is. Now that I know this it's really helped me in my life.

A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

I'm trying hard not to use a specific reference, but you'll probably know it's you after the first sentence.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.