Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 952

You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.

Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock

I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.

The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Gay comics have actually gotten popular. Which I think is great. Somebody called be up from Tulsa, Oklahoma and they said “We’re putting a comedy show together and we called you because we need a strong lesbian.” <br /> “You want me to tell jokes or move stuff?”

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.