Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 952

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Called somebody an “Indian giver” recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

Just ’cause you can’t control yours, don’t throw us all out!

I’m actually thinking of getting a dog. My parents actually said to me the other day, “Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.” Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.

You might be a redneck if you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.