Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 950
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'
If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go "What happens if you take two?"
Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings.
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.
The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.
This person at the next table is a fabulous drag queen. I didn't get it until I just looked up.
My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.
One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"
If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
I may have been named 41st best stand-up, but my Mum still prefers Tom O’Connor.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."