Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 950
I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.
The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known.
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.