Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 98

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple.

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."

I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

What is that fucking dot on Indian guy's heads? I know what it is. It's a camera. That's why they work at 7-11. Don't steal shit. They got your ass on camera.

Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish. He's a janitor, but he owns the building!

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.'

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.