Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971
I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things: you can't leave the bathroom door open... you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.
If you laugh at that, you lower the bar, and I will limbo under it because I am a fucked-up guy!
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.