Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

That's a device. I like to think about it as a little bit of a mystery ... the director describes it as a statement of authorship. It's kind of a sophisticated concept, but I like to think of it almost as my character looking back intellectually, but not at an advanced age.

It takes time though for owners and trainers to invest that additional purse money to start cultivating that better racing product.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

"Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.” (Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.)

Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.

I'm a compulsive everything.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.