Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 971

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

The Aus­tralian comedy circuit is kind of small, and big in the most inconvenient ways. There aren't many venues, and the ones we have are hundreds of miles apart and separated by mountains. That's probably why so many of us come to the UK

You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

We've taken what was just once a racetrack and made it a multifaceted gaming destination for the entire region.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

Why wouldn't he be, he's the son of God? He's not gonna be walking around going, 'Oh, I've got back fat today. I'm so puffy.'

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese.

I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”

It was essential that I never show doubt about what I was doing.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.