Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 998

18,873 quotes

I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!

Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step or, at least, into taking some different course of action, so that we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?

Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.