Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 998
After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'
Once you've been an astronaut and you've gone on a mission, doesn't the rest of your life just add up to one big disappointment after another? What are their daily lives like? ‘Golly gee, I caught a fish! Ha ha! This reminds me of that time I walked on the fucking moon!’
Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.
I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.
It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.
Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.
Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.
I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.
You might be a redneck if... you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
If you want to elect Bush, that's the prick that I'm gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I'm gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?