Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 998

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

"The videos are hysterical. Almost matching Bob Saget's creative introductions to them". Actually, my parents said that. But then they also once said, "We're very disappointed in you, Bob." They said that, but that was before I had this show.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.