Quotes & Jokes about Dogs / page 2
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
Fred was a funny kid, and I got a lot of humor from him. For a while, we were in a Catholic school up in Milwaukee, and Fred used to get laughs pulling an electric iron around the floor, like dragging a dog on a leash. Every day he had a new thing going with the iron. Fred was a great ball player too. He tried out with the Chicago White Sox, but that was years before Jackie Robinson made the break, and he was too early.
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
I love dogs because there's no filter mechanism between the dog's brain and its tail. There's no filter there. Like, if the dog is happy, the tail is wagging; if the tail is wagging, the dog is happy. There's no passive aggressive shit like humans, like, "Oh this douchebag thinks I'm happy to see him".
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I took Duke to the vet ’cause he eats his own turds, and I asked the vet, “Isn’t that unusual?” and he says, “No, a lot of dogs do that. Just take some of this powder here, sprinkle it on his food and it’ll make him stop.” I said, “What’s it do?” He says, “It makes his turds taste bad.”<br /> “I’m sorry, Doc, did you just say ‘it will make his turds taste bad’?” Let me tell you something, if you’ve stooped to eating turds, you’ve never uttered the phrase, “Oh my God! This is nasty!”
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”