Quotes & Jokes about Wife

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.

Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.