Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1036

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

(On the Edinburgh Festival) I must get some kind of masochistic pleasure out of it. But I have no idea why I go there. No idea at all.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!