Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1036
I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.