Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1036

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

You might be a redneck if you've ever been arrested for loitering.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.