Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1044
Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.
I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. Boom! Friends for life!
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.