Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1044

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I'm so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James!

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

But, you know, you can't be a star at home.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.