Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043

You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.