Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

It's the inevitable consummation of this largely manufactured battle between a man who makes people laugh for a living and whatever people think I do. In a televised, two-part hatefuck that is, by all measure, bound to dissapoint anyone that's been following it. Catch the fever!

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like "Ladies and Gentlemen". That'll be a cool name for a kid. "This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen!" Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please!"

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.