Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043

Noah’s wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, "It’s your turn to spread the papers on the floor!" Never got a dinner!

Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.

When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, "Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy." 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

After all, game shows are not like working in a coal mine.

You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

That's a vicious rumour! A rumour started by a few million people.

I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.