Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
Don't smoke pot. Don't bitch. Don't give up. Go on stage anywhere. Try, fail, repeat.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called "The Right Hand Stuff". I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.
I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.
If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.