Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1043

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

We've had to get a live-in nanny, 'cos that dead one wasn't working out.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

Desperation is my sweet spot.