Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1058
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.