Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1058

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.