Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 107
Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do...
I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis?
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone’s garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume.
I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.
I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.
I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.