Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

When we started this show, my hair was black and the president was white. When we started the show, Jon and Kate were both eight.