Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’