Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.

Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children’s television PBS is on the house.

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

Donald Glover staying hotter than some rifle spit