Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1069
College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.
I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
( Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech ) I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"