Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.