Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.