Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

His view of the world is one that keeps his blood pressure low, sweeping the cholesterol from his relaxed, freeway-sized arteries. Everyone knows he is going to live till age ninety, although the question that goes begging is, "for what?"

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game for comedy material but I don't believe that.