Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

Everything that people say is testable.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.