Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'