Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1070
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
I’m thinking of buying a church and changing it around: maybe selling crack and having a few whores in the pew.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.