Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

Christmases were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called ‘Ample’. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S.

[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.