Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Why don’t network TV shows have a warning that says "Caution: you are about to watch a real piece of shit."

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

Mad Cow Disease? I gotta be afraid of fucking cows now? And Canadian cows, I feel like such a puss.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.