Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071
Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.
Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: "You're not my wife!" Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: "What would he tip?" Another guy said: "I want you to meet my family," and took me to the cemetery.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.