Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I love Steven Wright.

If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.

I'm really funny now.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.