Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1071

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.