Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160

I tell ya, comedy is in my blood. I wish it was in my act.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, "that poor woman."

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, "Now I do four cities in one week" and they tour nonstop. I'm like, "No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month." But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

You can’t be a rational person six days a week and on one day of the week, go to a building, and think you are drinking the blood of a two thousand year old space god. That doesn’t make you a person of faith, that makes you a schizophrenic.

The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.

It`s true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. Haha! Jokes on you, dummies...I'm not really a lawyer.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

No one is immune from being a target.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.