Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."
I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.
You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.
Valentine’s Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.
You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.