Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

A guy recently came up to me and said, "Bob, you are the shit." I said "Thank you for adding the word 'the.'"

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I washed mud off of mud.

Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.

I wish I could say there was a magic formula, but I just kept working at it.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

I just broke up with a guy… it’s hard breaking up with them, ‘cause you have to be like, “Listen, you’ve run out of money.”

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.