Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1160
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.