Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, "Gay pride, white power!" just to confuse people.

You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I wish his [Frank Ocean] music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.

In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.

You might be a redneck if your back porch is bigger than your house.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I don't fuck. Who needs it? I'm funnier without it.

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.