Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161

I don't think you can know God unless you're passionate about him so you're either screaming at him, enraptured with the idea of being around him or feeling him in your life.

I wanted to be a veterinarian for about a week of my life when I was a kid. But I found out about the whole euthanasia thing and I said, "I can't commit to that, sorry!"

They flew me out in this plane that was only first class. It was all first class. It was the most psychotic thing I've ever seen in my life. The drinking that went on - it was like Mardi Gras. The nose of the plane started to develop red veins.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

If I keep all my disorders to a minimum every day then by about 2053 I should have a handle on practically nothing.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, "Too much information!" and then giggling behind a pillow?

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

First of all, I'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I washed mud off of mud.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.