Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".

Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.