Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1161

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

I’m the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".