Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1162

Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

No one is immune from being a target.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I don't fuck. Who needs it? I'm funnier without it.

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

When in doubt about who's to blame, blame the English.