Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1162

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, "come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it."

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, “This can't be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

When you hit rock bottom, you've got to go to AA. They make it sound so dirty. Please, I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat. You don't just give up.

Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

A cop just pulled me over and told me to stop blaming my childhood.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

I wanted to be a rock star.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.