Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1162
"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family."
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
Got married again and I went on the Internet to see how happy everyone was for me. Fucking hell, it was awful. One woman... she said, 'Married again, eh? She's a user and he's a pervert.' And I'm like, 'How do they know us?'
Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?
If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.
You might be a redneck if you've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.