Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 119

BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

We grew to know the meaning of love. That is what allowed me and my family to stay close together.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.

If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"