Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 119

I really respect peple who try. People who say, "No, I’m actually going to do the best I can." That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.

For some reason and I don't know why, but I don't think that I'm funny in California. So I always want to do my movies east somewhere.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and words.

I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn't really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're going to meet a better looking penguin someday.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

I ain't afraid to give you one across the lips!

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"