Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1192

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.

The CMT folks, there was a genuine enthusiasm that I've never had in television before on the executive side.

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

I don't have time to live in the moment right now.

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'