Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1225

I saw an old woman changing a flat tyre, and I walked right by, like everybody else. Then I thought what kind of person am I? So I went back and said, 'Have a nice day.'

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

What do batteries run on?

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.

If I were blind, I’d wear a blindfold all the time.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

I’m hooked on email. That’s right, kids, I’m one of you.

Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!