Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1225

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

The first day of spring is known as the "vernal equinox." The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.'

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

I’ve always benefited from knowing machines well, because it’s freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh?

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They’ve been reading my email.