Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1225

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

You might be a redneck if any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

I’ve had more women than most people have noses.

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!

Last night, I got Chinese food and the fortune cookie said, ‘Where’s my money?’

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.