Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1235
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.
I don't know how it didn't work out. How can a man who like other men and a woman who drinks not get along? The interesting thing is: there is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.
You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".
In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.
It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.
I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.
I like having a cold. I get to take my favorite drug, which is NyQuil… NyQuil is 180 proof. It’s the moonshine of medicine… When I got a cold I want something that’s going to screw me up. Because that way the blur seems interesting. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. And it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?