Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1235

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn’t mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe.

Always laugh second.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.