Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1236

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

You might be a redneck if in tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

I love comedians. They're my community.