Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1236

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

Always laugh second.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

In honor of Earth Day, tonight’s program will be made up of 100 percent recycled jokes.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "southern and sassy, it's all good". Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!