Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 132
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.
One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
Pope John Paul II’s press secretary, who said, "See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back!" Never got a dinner!
A lot of good has come from drugs. I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you’re starting your own business, don’t even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I’m your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.
Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.
You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.
Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe; all men are cheap metal.
Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.
If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.