Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 132
It's easy to love somebody. Shit, sit with them a little bit and talk to them a while.
My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
Actually, there's nothing I know for sure because I know for sure that things change.
A lot of good has come from drugs. I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.
Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile.
Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.