Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 133

I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.

Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin' that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.

I'm going to be fifty this year. Soon I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

You aint 180lbs. You weight more than a damn car girl.

If I play my cards right, I could bring network wrestling back to TV. Unfortunately, to most people, wrestling is a laughingstock. But fortunately, I'm reaching people who otherwise wouldn't watch it.

If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.

If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

Actually, there's nothing I know for sure because I know for sure that things change.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.