Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 133

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate.

The truth is supposed to hurt. That's how it lets you know you don't got it.

I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?

I'm going to be fifty this year. Soon I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that's why Google has such an attitude. Because it's so popular, it's conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? 'Um, did you mean...?'

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.