Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 134

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.

There are two kinds of intelligence in this world. People who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart... If you’re starting your own business, don’t even talk to me. But If you need to know who the lead singer of Kajagoogoo is, I’m your guy. His name is Limahl, by the way.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) "It's the same sex all the time.”

People who get offended by jokes are fucking stupid.

The moments of comedy are there. But the whole idea of a vacation is the stripping away of stuff and then, by the end of the vacation, at least in my life, you do have these moments as a group, as a family having a great time, so mellow again. It takes a while to do that but that's what this movie is about.

If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.

I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.

I don't do illegal drugs anymore. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroin. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I'm telling you right now, I took NyQuil five years ago. I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show!

We spend $48 million in lottery tickets. You can’t trust us with out money. "How you planning for your retirement?" "Powerball."

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.

I found out one of my old partners, Larry, is in jail now. Larry got 25 years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.