Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 134
We are all a little bit racist. White people, y’all are the first people to denounce it. "I’m not racist. I’m incapable of being racist. My best friend is black... He’s also my chauffeur, but he’s my best friend."
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.
They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.
What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.
So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
We have blacks and whites, Jews and Arabs, Serbs and Croats, and Filipinos and Vietnamese here. At the end of the day, everyone is each other's brother.
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" ... That was the first job I ever had.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there’s 50 different ways! You hate black people? We’ve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here’s a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
The only time Chevy Chase has a funny bone in his body is when I fuck him in the ass.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."