Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 135
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.
I did a benefit for a feminist organization. Now benefit means 'no money,' so I should be able to say what I want to say. And I figured if I pissed them off, who cares? What, they're going to get mad and pay me? So it's all feminists - Gloria Steinem's sitting right up front. So, I walk out there, and I'm like, 'Hey look, I can't stay here too long with you broads because I got to get home and cook my man a nice hot dinner.'
Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.
Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!
Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.
Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?
What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: "Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!"