Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 135
So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
My gran used to say, "here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that I’m giving this to you". I said, "it will cost you more than that".
Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.
I don't do illegal drugs anymore. Now I just do the legal drugs. Tonight I'm on NyQuil and Sudafed. Let me tell you something, folks. Forget about cocaine and heroin. All you need is NyQuil and Sudafed. I'm telling you right now, I took NyQuil five years ago. I just came out of the coma tonight before the fucking show!
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
We spend $48 million in lottery tickets. You can’t trust us with out money. "How you planning for your retirement?" "Powerball."
Once they make their commitment, they have to stay with that commitment, ... They have to live with that decision.