Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 137
They call you 'Pops',you work in the library and your best friend's a mouse.
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".
See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.
I did a benefit for a feminist organization. Now benefit means 'no money,' so I should be able to say what I want to say. And I figured if I pissed them off, who cares? What, they're going to get mad and pay me? So it's all feminists - Gloria Steinem's sitting right up front. So, I walk out there, and I'm like, 'Hey look, I can't stay here too long with you broads because I got to get home and cook my man a nice hot dinner.'
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."
I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.
Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”