Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 137

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

If Elvis is alive, Tupac is alive. I saw Tupac on 46th Street selling Biggie t-shirts 2 for 10 dollars...

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, "You offended me" then you say "I don’t care!" If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being. Why they've stopped doing that is a mystery. I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing when the judge sets his hearing date, while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the fuck happened?

The only time Chevy Chase has a funny bone in his body is when I fuck him in the ass.

But, let`s face it, I`m a Chicago boy.

If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".

I had a breakup. I decided that I wasn't going to do the sort of routines I was doing anymore. So I went to work, trying to develop the thing I do now.