Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 137

If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.

You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being. Why they've stopped doing that is a mystery. I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing when the judge sets his hearing date, while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the fuck happened?

I had a breakup. I decided that I wasn't going to do the sort of routines I was doing anymore. So I went to work, trying to develop the thing I do now.

See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I ain't scared of you motherfuckers!

Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”

Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?

Motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money. (on Reagan)

If I see an Asian person and I’m like: “Where you from?” and they’re like “Connecticut”. I’m like, “You know what I’m talking about".