Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 137
Have you seen those guys in the malls with the strollers, with that look on their face like they envy the dead? 'Somebody shoot me! This isn't the mall! I'm in Hell!'
There's no 'brothers' when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio... I don't know that guy.
Humanity is a crazy contradiction. I accept us for who we are. We're not that great. Every time we take a step forward we go back to the same primitive behavior. We're meant to be this way. It's not our fault, it's just who we are.
I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
Politics move, as fast as Twitter, and for everyone to think that in four years America was going to be perfect is ridiculous.
The truth is Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.
If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. 'Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.
Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”