Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 137
On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.
There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.
Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I can’t go to jail, not with his soft skin and these boyish good looks. I’ll be snapped up before the first lights out!
Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!
Mexican people never say they’re sorry. My grandmother, when I was young, hit me with her car. I was in the driveway–pang! “You know where I park, cabron. Mira, where the oil is.” Did she say she was sorry? “Ta loco, he’s seven. When he starts paying the bills, then I’ll say sorry.”
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
If she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.